Ah - Sweet Bed!

Yesterday the Doctor, Tiny and I were driving in the car. I am prone to listening to the radio while driving, and an ad came on spruiking a bed sale. I wasn't listening - I pride myself on having a high ad immunity. However, sponge that he is, the Doctor piped up and asked me:

"Why do Kings have different sized beds to Queens?"

This, my friends, is a very good question. How do you explain the intricacies of bed sizing? It sounds simple, but when you go to explain it, it's not so.

"Why do Kings and Queens sleep in separate beds?"

Yes, touche my little man, why do they?

And why the heck didn't we invest in a King size bed when we fully anticipated that Tiny would come and sleep wedged in the middle of us each night, and render us to the very edges of our bed. One false move and you're on the floor.

image via Contemporary Beds

But Thanks For Sharing!

Teenagers! Gather 'round! I've got something to share with you.

I don't need to see your butt cheeks hanging out the bottom of denim cut-offs.

I don't!

I have my own ample derriere to swing around in all manner of clothing, though I tend to cover mine up. But just in case I do feel the urge, I can take a look at my derriere in a g-string, or a boy-leg brief, or even - gasp! - newd!

When I see you walking down the road with half your booty hanging out the back, I feel sad! Buy a size up! If you don't it can also result in camel-toe-itis! Just because clothes are a larger size doesn't mean they cost more - treat yourself. You can thank me later!

Call me prudish, call me PottyMouthMama, whatever you want to call me is ok by me, I just don't want to see the junk in yer trunk.

You might think I'm old, and yes, I am a parent, but I'm not old at 31. Trust me, I remember being a teenager - and I had no urge to hang my butt out for the world to share. In fact I was infatuated with over-sized tees bearing Malcolm X, Arrested Development quotes and Keppers to hide my lanky frame. Gulp.

Let Jessica Simpson set the example here. She bought a size up and her cheeks aren't on the menu. BUY A SIZE UP! I don't want to see the boo in your booty.

And the image above? Front bottom? Junk in her kerplunk? Whatever that look is, she's headed straight to Wrongtown.

Christmas Ideas... Men!

Men, for me, are traditionally very difficult to buy for. It's not that I don't love them, it's just that I don't understand them. Socks, grunnos, meh - boring! But no longer gal pals, here are some ideas to troubleshoot the big boys in your life. A relaxed tee for the weekend? Saturdays Surf NYC from Incu $79 Bottoms up! Limited edition Absolut Vodka Glimmer $49Super stylish, retro-licious vintage poster from Galerie Montmartre $2,600

Very Don Draper - get your man his own chair - Metropolitan Armchair from Freedom $1299If your man really wants undies for Christmas - make them stylish - Horses Square Cut from Stonemen $35

Super cool headphones to listen to Richard Mercer's love song dedications. Via Alley $100

Nothing says love and devotion like a mixed tape. Check out these cool and quirky Mix Tape mini cushions (set of 3) from Pepper Stiches $48

Down on the sand and it's Beer O'Clock. Poolside? Beer O'Clock. Out of the shower? Beer O'Clock. This could possibly be man's new best friend. Third Drawer Down $85

Christmas Ideas... Australian!

Everyone's surely got someone overseas that they need to buy a little gift for? Or if not, then these ideas are chic enough (read: not those fluffy koalas that clip onto clothes or John Farnham's comeback tour album - again!?) to inspire patriotic Christmas love.Like balls? Or prefer bowling? Snaffle some of these Bowling arm bangles made from leather remnants from Australian cricket balls $44 Light up someone's world with this cool Eco-bulb from Queen B $22.50 A subscription to Monster Children - or Dumbo Feather

Who doesn't love a beautiful handkerchief?? Wombat's Big Sleep Handkerchief from Third Drawer Down $30

Scream it from the rooftops baby, this sterling silver 'Australia' necklace is the top - Victoria Mason $175

Nab this cool Able & Game 2011 calendar from Lark Handmade $29.95

...Howzat?!

Christmas Ideas... Mummy!

I have enjoyed my first Fruit Mince Tart of the season (my oh my - Y to the UM!), and so it is that it's that time of year again, when I compile my world famous Christmas gift ideas. This year, I'm not leaving mamas 'til the last minute. Damn it! We're worth it. Here are some fantasy ideas! Leave some rather unsubtle hints around the house and thank me later. D to the vine - if Matt got me this ridiculously cool necklace I'd think I was the bee's knees. The Mitford gold diamond bib necklace from Jennifer Loiselle approx $150

If my foot was smaller, I would be absolutely gagging for a pair of these Saltwater sandals. In an array of colours from Little Pinwheel $79.00

It's time to freshen things up in the bedroom. We all know how I feel about bed linen. You can't go wrong with sunshine yellow velvet. Castle $49

Anyone who knows PottyMouthMama, knows that PottyMouthMama loves sunglasses. Beautiful big sunglasses. Surely it's time for a freshen up? Karen Walker (Sol Invictus) $329NZD

If you need some inspiration - then head over to Georgie Love. Sally collates all sorts of crafty delights into this one easy to navigate site. I love to love this brooch. The Storybook Rabbit @ Georgie Love $30I am not good at getting up in the morning. If I had these earrings, it would almost be delightful to wake up after 2 nanoseconds of sleep. Off the Runway $325

Of course I could keep going, but this is just to get those juices flowing baby! The world is your oyster. Let the fun begin!

And So The Day Goes

The last few days have been uber crazy with the smalls. Tiny to be precise.

• Tiny has used my lip balm all over her feet. Sayonara lip balm.
• Tiny has dipped her doll's feet into yoghurt.
• I went to the laundry to come back inside and our house smelt so nice. SO nice. To discover that Tiny had used my luxurious parfum roller as a glue stick.
• Tiny takes my toothbrush into the bath tub with her. I don't even want to know what she's done with it.
• Tiny tossed water absolutely everywhere in the bathroom.
• Tiny has been caught not once, but twice, squatting in the hallway on a rug trying to do a poo. Thankfully I intervened on both counts.
• Tiny takes our soap dispenser into the bath when no one's looking. Fluffy bath, no soap left.
• Tiny won't eat bananas that have been cut or broken into half.
• Tiny fell fast asleep on the way to the shops today. Then was in such a heavy slumber I had to put her in one of those newborn capsules in the trolley. She didn't even rouse when I moved her into the car.

I've had a mild coronary when I discovered that Tiny is turning three in just four weeks. As quirksome as this behaviour is, it won't last. And on the flipside, it makes me feel a bit sad. I still call both my smalls my newborns. Well they're new to me still. And definitely newer than me.

Tiny's birthday requests:

- a dancer cake

- anything to do with dancers

- a fairy

This is Tiny on her first birthday. Where oh where did that two years go peeps?!

The PonyFAIL

This my friends is evidence of my ponyfail.

Not to be confused with a ponytail, the ponyfail is suffering from stunted growth. It's usually demonstrated by odd lengths of hair that don't quite make the cut when it comes to the hair band. The ponyfail can easily be spotted and is usually sported by those attempting to grow their hair out after a short 'do.

Can I make it work? Or should I resign my ponyfail to the flop bin?

For the record, those fairer hairs at the back - nope, not greys. Just dodgy streaks my hairdresser put in. Well at least, I think they are. Eep.

Sorry for the supremely dodgy pics, I was flying solo and that's the best I could come up with. Peace out.

Wish Lists

So the Doctor and I were on our way to a birthday party this morning when we got to chatting about his Christmas wish list.

The Doctor's Christmas wish list consists of about 15 different things. Approximately 90% of the list is Lego.

This morning though, he commented on how glarey it was, and he stated that he'd like sunglasses for Christmas. Lego sunglasses to be precise. I was a little dubious, but said I'd google them and try and find something similar. Or suitable. Failing that, I pictured myself supergluing pieces of Lego onto Cancer Council sunglasses.

But nope. No need. Someone else has already come up with Lego sunglasses. Jean-Charles de Castelbajac - my son wants some sunglasses. Bad.

Check out all this awesome Lego goodness. Sigh.

Consider This A Gift

Have you checked out Damn You Auto Correct yet? Man I have spent way too long reading these - mainly because they are so damn funny, and as an added bonus, they give me an ab workout at the same time with the belly laughs.

Try PottyMouthMama's ab workout. If you don't get a six-pack in 10 pages of Damn You Autocorrect, you'll get your money back.*

Terms & Conditions:

* You didn't pay anything, you don't get anything back. PMM is a free service.

Holy Toledo It's Super Mamika

This is such a delicious, quirky and heart warming story - there wasn't any chance I wouldn't share it.

This 91-year-old Hungarian bombshell was photographed by her grandson, Sacha Goldberger. It's quite a story. The photos are powerful, the story is mindblowing. Big loving this.

Super Mamika even has her own MySpace page.

Well I Do Like This

Right now I have some things I am big loving.

This song I have loved for a long time. The song and I are madly rekindling our love for one another.

The M.I.A. song above is one of my faves. M.I.A. is one of those artists I love to love. She's cool. She's uber achingly cool. Bone crunchingly cool.

I am also loving:

- more walking in my life. Even if it is just to the bus stop and back.

- polka dot cookies. Can't stop at one.

- having my Mum stay for the weekend - we miss you Mum!

- the weekend is on the approach.

- romance

What's ace in your world?

For The Record, I'm Happy For Them Too

This morning I was standing at the bus stop waiting for my bus. Waiting a little more. And then some more. So my good run of public transport was over. One day of awesomeness - and then boom!

Then I spoke to my Mum and one of the first things she asked was what I thought of William and Kate. I wracked my brain thinking - sheesh, I have to think fast, who is William and Kate in our family? Am I related to William and Kate? I was drawing blanks. Then I realised she was talking about Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Just for the record, I'm stoked that they're engaged. They seem to be a beautiful couple. I hope they enjoy a beautiful life together. They just look so happy together. SO happy. I love the love people!

I do.

Signing off,
Your Royal Correspondent
Princess PottyMouthMama

The Perfect Bed?

Matt and I have an almost weekly argument. It's almost a ritual. It's a ritual that has been carried out for most of our married life. Not in the beginning, because Matt was too polite. I say 'was too polite' because now he's told me the truth.

Controversially, Matt does not like sleeping with a flat sheet and blanket. He only likes a doona.

Me? I like a traditional bed. I call it traditional because I imagine the Queen sleeps on a properly made bed. Generations have slept this way. It's just the way it is. And I like it like that. Fitted sheet. Flat sheet. Cotton blanket. Doona. Quilt if need extra warmth. I like the option of switching things up. I don't like being too hot. I don't like being too cold. I am the Goldilocks of beds.

I like hospital corners. I like ironed pillowcases. I like multiple pillows.

Weekly we engage in a tug-o-war over the bed. And our bedding. It's not a heated argument by any stretch, but it's a niggling disagreement.

And Matt now wants to 'trial' sleeping with just a doona. What is he? Crazy? No way Jose!

pretty beds all found on Apartment Therapy

The Joys of Public Transport

I have a couple of nuances. Ok. I have a whole host of foibles (not to be confused with furballs). Getting to work sometimes requires me to take public transport. This is greeted by mixed feelings. Anxiety because I rarely catch public transport. Excitement because I get to sit and listen to music and not be stuck in traffic. Today I almost got off at the wrong station. Then I missed a bus. It's all in the timing folks, and in Sydney, if you ain't got your timing right, you are going to have to wait and wait. Walking from the train station to the bus stop involved walking through knee length grass on a sandy, rocky path in sandals. Hello snakes!

But as it turns out, my walk through a grassy knoll fared me well. I arrived at work on time. Early even. Bravo Sydney public transport. For today at least. I am sure you are truly relieved.

Yes, I Know, I Know

I've been posting lots of clips lately. But I think I have the flu (sore throat, headache, achey back, hot then cold - or I could be Katy Perry?). So forgive me peeps!

But of course if you're not a member of GetUp! then you jolly well should be. Shake those banks back into submission. Shake 'em like a Polaroid picture.

The Bow

Tiny has adopted a new look to her cache. This could be a continuation of Tiny's Style Tips, however this is her mother narrating, and it's going to stay that way for today.

Tiny is enamoured with hair accessories. She loves them. She totes them around the house. Scunci even sent her a lot of hair accessories which was like all her Christmases and birthday all coming at once. That hair accessory love lasted - well to be honest, it's still going. But she loathes wearing them. She pulls them out, throws the world's biggest tanties and screeches like a night-owl until they are out of her hair. She prefers the fringe in her eyes look, big dreadlock at the back. Hawt.

But what wins her vote lately? This bow. That she found in the park. And won't be parted with. Who cares about nits? Not Tiny. Never one to fear parasites (unlike her Mama), she loves loves loves that damn bow.

Who am I to argue?

How Beautiful Is This?

Yep we've established by now that I love improv. I found this via Good Mum Hunting and had to share. It made me feel happy. Bliss bomb happy.

Stuff You Should Have Seen

Lately we've been getting around. I like getting around on the weekend. Exploring.

A few weekends ago (hey - old news is still news right?!) we visited the Carriageworks markets. Win-win because the Doctor got to ride his scooter like a crazy cat up and down the open expanse.

We also bought some quick eats from David Jones and sat in Hyde Park where the smalls thought it was pretty darn fascinating that men were gathered to play with a giant chess set. Heck I think it is too. I often wonder who these men are.

You could say that we like to 'get involved'. Ahem.

I totally distorted these photos trying to make Blogger play nice.

Yo! Yo! Yo! It's Time To Glow To Sew!

What the heck have I been up to?

I'll tell you what. Despite having the appearance of having everything together - I don't!

Juggling work and family life is a circus act I tell you, and right now I'm riding on a unicycle across a wobbly tightrope over the top of very hungry lions. I know you dig it.

And it is for this very reason that this is the sum total of my sewing for my friend's baby who was born two weeks ago. Man I better put the pedal to the metal and get a-sewing, because this baby is going to grow grow grow before we know and all she'll have to show from me is this wonky little square-ish thing.

The Silverfish That Just Won't Die

We have two goldfish. But they're not gold. One is silver. The other is black. With googly eyes.

They were probably the last things we moved over from our old house. Mainly because we have no emotional attachment to them. They just swim around and around and I can't pat them and they're a bit boring really.

Nevertheless, I look after them, change their water, feed them, throw a stick for them, take them for walks on balmy evenings. You name it, I do it. It's called 'fish guilt'.

And now to add another dimension to my 'fish guilt' the silverfish has developed a really wonky tail and sits at the bottom of the tank. He's not dead. He'd probably just like to be.

I've asked Matt to euthanise him, but he won't. And every time I see this fish he makes me feel nauseous. I've googled to the nth degree, some say calcium deficiency (but the other fish is fine so it doesn't make sense), and some say electrical currents due to the filter (ditto the aforementioned) and others say it's genetic. It's horrific, that's what it is fo' shiz.

The black fish, aptly named 'Night Fury' occasionally gives the silver (nameless) fish a bit of razz and races him around the tank until the silverfish settles back at the bottom of the tank.

To make matters worse, the Doctor has heard me talking about flushing the fish down the toilet (which I, by the way, don't think is a very eco-solution, let alone RSPCA friendly), to which Tiny responded: "Uh! Don't flush the fish down the toilet. The fish will be sad!" To which the Doctor replied that it was a very special place for half-dead fish to go.

Anyone want our fish?

image is of some very ugly fish I once spotted in the Borrough Markets. Hideous looking things.

Stuff You (Maybe) Never Knew About PMM

I love looking at the word searches people do that land them on PottyMouthMama, because basically I have no other hobbies other than internetting.

Here's a quick look-see at keywords that draw the punters:

- camel toe image (you classy broad, thanks for dropping by! here you can find a heck of a lot more images to tickle your fancy) BTW - technically I don't think the Alicia Keys camel toe is actually a camel toe. Just saying.

- enima kit (sic); french vintage enema bags; vintage enema bag collections

- oprah the soup bigger than new york (say what?!)

- what does it mean to sleep like a donkey? (if you find out, will you tell me too?)

Apparently my vintage bag enema kit COULD have brought me a pretty yield on eBay. Alas I tossed it out. Please stop searching my blog for enema kits. Or even French vintage enema kits. Yes I have no enema kits. I have no enema kits today.

image completely unrelated.

It's Not Uplifting

But it's interesting - and you do need to know that cancer is a real a$$hole.

Looking for ways to help in the war on cancer? You could donate to Chris O'Brien's Lifehouse. You can donate your old mobile phones to You Can.

Bonjour Jackass!

One of my few saving graces back in the day when Matt and I visited Paris was night times spent watching Jackass.

I can hear the audible groans. I know. Not something you'd expect from me... Or is it?

Much to Matt's dismay, each night after a big day wandering through the streets, I'd crawl into bed and watch Jackass. The only English-speaking show that was airing on French TV at the time (that I could find). I loved it. I freaking loved it. After overloading on conversations I couldn't decipher beyond hello (bonjour) and thank you (merci!), Jackass was incredible cinema. Cough.

And as if to rekindle those fond memories, when Matt would rather read Foucault while I watched grown men do ridiculously stupid things, Spike Jonze has released Jackass IN 3D!

Matt doesn't want to see it. How rude! Looks like I'm seeing this one solo.