Thursday, 19 January 2012

The Many Faces Of Me

I am so many different people in my daily life, to so many different people - as you are.

I guess I've put myself on the backburner for a while, and as a result, I've added a few extra kilos to my frame. Which explains why I've thrown myself like a crazy lady into walking. Why I've been trying to glamify my salad days to myself. And why I've got an acute case of the Flat Stanleys.

Tiny doesn't help when she comes up and squeezes my stomach and says: "Ohhhhh squishy, squishy," then grappling for any - and all - other squishy parts of my body. She does however redeem this act by telling me repeatedly, emphatically that she really loves my squishies.

It is endearing.

But my squishies are not so endearing.
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When I was about 22 I joined a group with a personal trainer. Not for weight loss, but to get a toned, strong body. We met three mornings a week, and ran through the Botanical Gardens (my favourite), ran up and down the steps of the Opera House, it was a wonderful - if exhausting and exhilirating - start to my day. At the end of the program I had the strongest, healthiest body I had ever had. I felt amazing. Because my body was strong.
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I weighed myself today and for the rest of the day felt this immense disgust with myself. Inside I thought "I used to be lighter!" - and losing weight felt out of reach.

If you don't know me, I am tall-ish, and you may not notice my weight gain. Or if you do - you're too polite, too well-mannered to say anything. But I feel it. I see it in the mirror. Too many Haigh's chocolate frogs for me.
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So what I'm going to do: I'm going to make myself a priority again. I'm going to get that lean and strong body back. It might take me a while, I'm going to find some exercise that I dig on - there must be something - I want to feel like that strong, all-powerful woman again.



image of Kate Moss by Mario Testino - amazeballs

7 comments:

Katrina (capturing moments) said...

Isn't it an awful feeling. When I see photos of myself I think 'i used to be so much smaller, thinner, stronger, healthier, fitter etc etc'
I NEED to get this jiggly butt into gear.

Siobhan said...

Everything you've just written is exactly how I feel (except I never did the thrice weekly runs when I was 22). After having kids I am so ready to give my fitness (or lack thereof) priority. I've always blamed timing (my partner is a tradie so early mornings is out for me) but I think I just need to pull my finger out and get going.

Fsn said...

I'm feeling the exact same way! I HATE the gym but have started a 'water jogging' class. It's REALLY good and all the benefits of running but with less stress on the joints etc.
Hope you find something you enjoy I think it's definately the key to results! x

dear olive said...

It sucks when you feel this way. I went on a massive liver detox at the end of last year with the idea of losing weight - dropping a tiny bit really did make me feel much better in my body (even though I would love to lose more!). But we need to remember to be gentle on ourselves, too. I've seen you in real life - you're gorgeous Lexi! Kellie xx PS I was encouraged when I read in a crappy magazine last year that losing weight is 20% exercise and 20&% diet.

Cath @ chunkychooky said...

I started with a personal trainer 2 weeks ago. it is awesome. she is great. I think back to 2 yars ago when I was jogging 4 kms 3 times a week and before Busy when I was at the gym everyday- ugh- so far away. I want to have more energy- and loose weight for sure - thats my motivation. but as I am fond of saying nothing motivates you like starting. Have you seen the Couch to 5kms app. ? i am going to start this week. x

Anna said...

Don't be too hard on yourself! What matters more then anything is how you feel, not how you look. But I here you when you say you don't feel great. I started rowing last May. It is hard work, but I feel that I am now the fittest and strongest I have ever been. I love seeing my body in this new and different way - still soft looking at first glance, but then you see the muscle definition beneath the surface. More than anything, I love what being physically active is doing for my mind! With three small ones running around, life is hectic but it's great to have a way to release the pent up tension. I wish you luck in finding the right activity for you :-)

small catalogue said...

Me too! Me TOO! Only my snapping moment was three months ago on my 33rd birthday when I looked in the mirror and thought: You look fat. And middle aged. A bit grey. A lot sad... DO SOMETHING!

And now, three months later I have see-able abs! And I feel good. Lighter. Healthier. Happier.

You deserve this Lexi. You deserve it.

Big love xx