Tuesday, 11 September 2012

Let's Pretend I Am Dead

I am lying on my sofa doing my tax. I know, I know, you are wildly jealous because anything to do with a pile of invoices and an Excel spreadhseet is akin to an aphrodisiac. It's hot.

But not as hot as being a mother. Because you take the heat, every flipping day. Parenting is hard. But I'm going out on a limb. Mothering is harder. So much is expected of us.

A couple of weeks ago when I got home from work - Matt proceeded to ask me some pretty... silly questions. I can't remember what they were specifically, however if he said: "Where are all the spoons?" - it would make sense. They were those kind of questions, and I had just walked in the door - and he'd been home all day. So how the Hector would I know where the flipping spoons are?

So right then and there I launched a new game.

It's called : "Let's Pretend I Am Dead". Mattel are probably getting the patent ready as I type.

The rules to this fun game are quite simple. Let's pretend I am dead, and you have to forage for the spoons/towels/whatever it is you're looking for by.your.self. And don't ask me for any assistance.

Did you get that the first time around?!

It's a fun and interactive game, where I get to walk off in a huff and lock myself in the bathroom. Until you find the flipping spoons/towels/whatever it is you're looking.for.by.your.self.

It's so fun - the whole family can play.

Has anyone else noticed this? I feel the weight of the household on my shoulders for the most inane matters.

As a mum, I have to do so much - and it's just expected of me. And it's not ok! And for the record, it's not just Matt asking me for things. Bake a cake for the school! Do canteen duty! Volunteer for an excursion! Do reading!

I hate to tell everyone and break the illusion. I am not Superwoman. WonderWoman. Or any other large-undied superhero. I'm plain old Lexi. Stop asking me to do things for you. Stop asking me where the spoons are. I think I'd struggle with it all even if I was a stay-at-home mum. How are we expected to do it all?

We can't. I can't. You can't. Let's pretend I am dead. Just for 10 minutes of silence in the shower - let's just pretend I am dead.

Let's Pretend I am Dead is out now. Please pay funds in to my PayPal account so I can go live with Pixie Skase in Majorca. That'll do nicely. You can visit me at Christmas time.

hot image via here


JuicySlices said...

I play this game often and I LOVE it. It actually requires my husband to move and attend to his own children. Who knew that a game could be so fun?

Siobhan said...

I have a similar game. It's called 'Look Before You Ask'.

rachelmp said...

I might try that one too when I have to organise the three weeks of school holiday care, play dates, visits to grandma's, carers days etc plus a birthday party. They start on Monday, if my husband has forgotten...

Mrs Woog said...

We have a code word. Except it is a code look. It means "please remove all breathing objects"

h&b said...

I'm always expected to find spoons, and it makes me want to spoon out an eyeball..

( you can read the rest of this comment on facebook )


Anyhoo, I always ask "are you looking with your EARS, are you looking with your KNEES?" and give them pretty much a hard time. To the point that the 4yr old says "you bwind, daddy, you bwind"

And yes, I often ask what he would do if I were dead. The babykins eats only tuna and apple and RAW carrot. For 2yrs now. If he tantrums because you gave him a banana, I don't freaking well care. You should have known. Deal with it.

Reannon Hope said...

I can be heard yelling at the males in my house (when such questions are asked) " oh ok I'll just use up all my eyes ok! Don't waste your eyes looking for ( insert stupid object ), I'll waste my eyes shall I ?" or the other one I pull out is " go have a GIRL look! You've had a BOY look, now have a GIRL look!!!"

trash said...

My children are old enough that I have started responding with "Am I walking funny? No? Then it is not up my bum. Go and look for it."

As each person returned home from their day of doing yesterday I asked about what they had been doing, who they had interacted with, proffered sympathy, advice and/or love as necessary. It was only an hour or so after dinner that I realised no one had asked me what I had done during the day. None of them thought to enquire what had happened in the 6-8 hours we had been apart. This did not stress me per se but it remains circling around by conscious. I am in the 'Mother Zone' for the whole family whoever old they are.

Cass said...

My children will actually walk past their father to ask me a question that he could have answered it bugs me no end. I too am sick of doing it all and here is my vent on what I did yesterday:
Got up made school lunches, had shower, made sure children were ready for school with all necessary items, hung out washing, took children to school, went to work, on way to pick children up diverted to home to peel potatoes and put meat on for dinner, got washing in, picked up children, gave them afternoon tea, finished getting dinner organised, drove them to indoor soccer, sat with youngest and did homework, watched game, left kids with father to bring home, went home sorted washing, kids & father arrived home, showered youngest, pestered eldest to have shower quickly, got dinner up, sat down! What the father did - made his own breakfast, went to work, coached indoor soccer, came home and sat down.

dear olive said...

Lady, I hear you. All I do lately is bang on about how busy and stretched and stressed I am and then I realised the other day. It's not a phase! It's just my life! And how depressing is that. Kellie xx
PS I'm laughing so hard at the 'am I walking funny ..." comment from trash. But feel like crying reading the Cass comment.

Mrs Smith said...

Amen and hallelujah. Sometimes I ttireless buckle under the weight of carrying 4 other humans on my shoulders.
I like your game. I'm gonna play it.

Mrs Smith said...

Totes, not ttireless stupid fkn autocorrect

Opportunity Knocks said...

Ugh, truth! I have this delusion that the load of washing I just folded is it, but then I look past it to the eternal mountain that is in any room I can bear seeing it in.
Between full time work, a household, two under four year olds and a husband that struggles with the location of his car keys ( and has taken to accidentally misplacing my keys three out of five mornings a week) mornings are a write off. Nighttime is no better, anyone that dares phone between 5 and 7 gets an eye roll. Cleaning the bomb after the kids go down can take an hour and a half. Finally, listening to my husband tell me to hurry up ( as I am busy scrubbing the shower) so I can sit down and relax like he has been doing all night, can be the final straw.
The thing that gets me, is its never ending. NEVER ENDING... Sometimes I joke that it's Groundhog day, only it's not a joke.

Le sigh, you are not alone.

VeraandRose said...

Best game EVER!

bec said...

Haha, the post was funny, but the comments even funnier! And the sad thing- no husband/partner doesn't make it easier. Well, it does, it's one less person to rant at! So I call a 'boy' look a 'Sibby look' (her name) and rant a lot at the cat. It also means I have only myself to blame for the stuff ups! But no one to hang crap on me if I stuff up. Ups and downs, this mothering/ parenting/ partnering gig!

Anna said...

I hear you. I'm so sick of people using my brain cause they can't use their own!! Surely it's not too much to ask to just have a little bit of time every day where nobody wants anything from you. I'm buying that game!

Cath @ chunkychooky said...

I could not agree with you more lovely Lexi. its just one thing after another and it never stops some days. and the blame you get if you cannot locate the item??? the amount of stress library books have caused me- seriously IS IT THAT HARD TO KEEP THEM ALL TOGETHER IN THE LIBRARY BAG SO THEY DONT END UP ON THE BOOKSHELF WHERE I END UP HAVING TO LOOK FOR THEM EVERY FLIPPIN MONDAY MORNING!!! and I am not just talking about the kid here either- husband I mean you!! just put things back where they belong and life will be so much easier.

sorry to rant. xx

Anna said...

Ha! This is a constant battle between my husband and I. I don't know how many times I have said "How should I know where the f'ing (insert item here) is??? Do you think I keep a running inventory of the entire HOUSE???"

thisistracy said...

I just pretend I haven't heard the question...sorry? I can't hear you today, sorry I didn't listen, oh well *puts headphones back in/turns up stereo*

Kell Kelly said...

Hahahaha love it!
I generally just 'pretend' I can't hear the stupid question in hopes they just away but if the problem persists I consult a bottle of wine. hehehe not really (ok maybe sometimes) but I usually tell them I can't understand 'haven't been bothered to look for it myself' questions.