Thursday, 21 March 2013

Life As We Mo' It. (AKA My Life As Napoleon Dynamite)

I've been stalling sharing this story. 

For over a month.

Why? Because I have felt so humiliated, it's only just recently I decided to "come out" - and what a freaking relief that was. 

A couple of months ago I went to see my beautician. It was a balmy, summery day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing - all was well in the world. I was heading for two hours of pampering, and I couldn't wait.

That was until I lay down on the bed and my beautician announced that she was going to bleach my moustache.



I lay there, in a state of shock, half frozen on the table, half naked (actually more than half naked) under the towel - and I'd just been told I had a moustache.

Let's rewind a bit right this minute. My sisters and I have talked about this extensively, I've talked about it with friends - and united we stand when we've all said "If I start to grow a mo' - you need to tell me." We all nodded our heads furiously, agreeing with an emphatic "Yes, of course."

And there I was, in a white room, under a white towel, on a white bed - with a dirty dark mo'. Say it ain't so.

AND NO ONE HAD TOLD ME! What the funk, "friends"?

I was there for a facial which is like a biannual thing that happens, and before I could get comfortable I'd been side-swiped, so of course for the next two hours - that is all I could think of.

Once it was over (and after 20 minutes of having my eyes closed, I start to get antsy - multiple this by 120 due to the facial hair factor and I wanted OUT), I looked in the mirror and said the obligatory "Wow, it looks so much better" with visions of this in my mind. 

Now I was sporting a blonde moustache. Where once I thought my mo' was just that faint hair that covers everyone's face, I was now a bonafide Napoleon Dynamite doppelganger. In fact, I don't even think Napoleon Dynamite has a moustache - so now I was not even Napoleon Dynamite, but his little known older brother.

Nevertheless, I paid, scurried out - and convinced myself that no one would notice except for me - you know that thing that if you don't talk about it - no one will notice. Yes. That old chestnut.

Next stop was to see my sister - and of course I couldn't contain my humiliation. I burst out with my hairy upper lip story - and she denied ever seeing any mo' action. And then I went to an appointment, purely focussed on my blonde mo'.

Fast forward now, to a month down the track, and I talk to my sister - who finally admits that - 
a) she had never noticed I had a mo' and would definitely tell me if she had
b) the bleaching episode made any traces of a mo' stand out more - and that it had done nothing to hide the hair but highlight it.

It's here that I say, Marilyn Monroe used to apply hormone cream to her face to aid in the growth of facial hair to diffuse the light when she was photographed - which is how she always got that gorgeous glow, that luminescence in all her shots. 

I, on the other hand, have foundation that contains luminising particles. No need to grow a yeti beard. 

So now, here I am, with the bleach faded (thank goodness, I now don't have a glow in the dark mo') wondering what to do. Bleach? Wax? Do I really have a mo'? Am I Frida? Do tell. Do you have a mo'? 

And PS - when you see me next, please do not study my top lip. Please. Have mercy on me. 



You. Are. Hilarious. X

Mrs Smith said...

Not only do I have a tache, but left unhindered my eyebrows would cover my entire forehead, methinks. Not to mentoin the single black hair that grows on my chin or 'pig bristle' as my sisters would have if.

Wax off baby, all the way.

Jo Stewart said...

I have a mo. I know I have a mo. My husband denies I have a mo. My beautician denies I have a mo. But I make her wax my mo. Mo be gone. Only men are allowed to have mo's!!!!

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rebecca said...

Ha, that made me laugh. Listen, I'm assuming you're young. Just you wait till you're over 50. Ha, ha, ha. If you never noticed your mo, I'm sure no one else did. A quick wax job once a month or so is the easiest thing in the world.

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Kirsten said...

I have a mo. I used to wax it but then got pimples afterwards (what's hotter than a mo? pimples on your upper lip). Now I use a depalitory cream every once in a while. Unlike Maz, I take the Pill to MINIMISE the growth of facial hair (and to MINIMISE the number of babies I have).

samstone76 said...

I have a mo :( I get it waxed....often! Something about hormone imbalance, PCOS, blah, blah.
I have never heard of bleaching it though?

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Cheeky Claire said...

Wow! I am floored.

I've just come back from the bathroom mirror to check me mo-ness, all I see is a little fuzz but that's up really close with a magnifying mirror, I think I'm safe :)

Katie Kate said...

Wax that baby OFF!
I have a Mo (oh, the horror!), I am blonde, and so is my mo, but I can still see it all the time, and it is especially obvious when I have make up on. It's hideous. Mo's are no good, get that caterpillar off your lip!

Angela Steyn said...

I needed a good laugh today, thank you! Your story is hilarious - reminds me of the time a beautician berated me about the 3cm hair growing out of my chin that I (and every person I know) had somehow failed to notice! Humiliation city!

You write beautifully

Angela x

kellie montgomery said...

You know what I reckon? Don't worry about it! Especially if it's so faint that no one notices it (except for the beautician). Seriously. Everyone has one to some degree! Kellie xx

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I have one too! Have you heard of threading? It's wonderful. Slightly stingy at first but it rips the hair out lovely and isn't as harsh as waxing.

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