Nicole Kidman. And "That" V Magazine Cover

Dear Nicole,

Thanks ever so for sharing your bunions with the world. It's a little less scarier, when I can see your derriere. It's ever so cheeky of you. And all why, why why are you wearing Warwick Capper's wig? Or is it Rod Stewart's? Or is it one of Keith's spares? (Maybe circa early 90s?) Either way - - - Genius! Ironic and hilarious all at the same time. Let's keep it in the family. Let's say it's Keith's. After all, there's an economic downturn to consider, which is why there's also a small economy of clothing gracing your lithe body.

I do understand that Mario Testino talked you into this.

I do.

I'm not sure why. I get art. I love art. I am married to an artist, after all. But this? This is scraping in just by the skin of its teeth as art. In my language this says: "attention seeking". Katie Holmes stole the spotlight after leaving her crazy Science boffin, which coincidentally was your crazy Science-boffin, and now what are you left with? A thick belt of leather and a chain belt.

Does anyone know how to spell classy?

Nicole, I would really have rathered a return to the big crazy hair of BMX Bandits. I love that hair. You could have dug out some Coogee jumpers and gone pantless. Still pantless, but a little more demure. And retro-licious.

Once upon a time, at a big soiree, I got to meet you - I had to go find your jacket (Dolce e Gabbana). You gave me a kiss on the cheek and I was blown away by the sheer movie-star factor. You had it girl.

But this? This screeches - hey guys, look at my pert bot-bot. You've gone Stepford Wife fembot, to trashy look bot-rot.

I don't buy it.

Please burn these negatives, delete the files, and we'll keep it between ourselves. No one else needs to know you're waging war against covered up botties.

Yours, in a full brief, very comfortable, almost Cottontail,
PottyMouthMama


see more here (or don't, if you don't want to, like, burn your retinas)

Beam Me Up Scottie

I don't really need to say anything. Do I?

Calling Mr Spielberg

Nicole Kidman. It might be vintage Dior. But E.T. called and wants you to phone home.

This Might Make My Head Hurt

Nicole 'Sunscreen' Kidman with Keith singing a duet for Simon Baker at G'day Australia which coincidentally is funded by tax payers.

Next time, maybe we can all chip in for a choreographer to guide Nicole through some dance moves that are more akin with SYTYCD rather than your local RSL dancing around a handbag. Waddaya say?

Personally, I would prefer Nicole to ressurect her BMX bike.

PS - And Keith can we get some karaoke style words bouncing across a screen? Thangyouverymudge.

Image via

What Did You Expect?

I met Nicole Kidman once. I was awestruck because she had that 'movie star' glamour that not many stars have. This was about ten years ago. Her face still moved then, enough to give my friend and I a kiss on the cheek for finding her jacket after many failed attempts. I was pretty well awestruck. I think I floated through the next couple of days, I was a fan of our Nic. But now, notsomuch. We've lost that lovin' feeling (how was that for a segue?).

Have you seen Nicole's latest hoorah in the Schweppes India ad?




What did I expect Nicole? For one thing, I expected your face to move, that's for starters. Secondly, after all the hullabaloo, I expected this ad to be good or at least interesting. What the heck? What did I expect? A heck of a lot more than was delivered, that's for shizzle.

Nicole, you're a beautiful woman. But these days we don't know if you're sad, mad or we've just been had. Bring back the emotion. Bring back the facial movement. We miss it.