The Emmys: Carrie Underwood, Sarah Silverman, Eric Stonestreet, January Jones, Sarah Somebody and the other woman from Modern Family

 Sponsored by Mattel and coming to a toilet cistern near you. Carrie Underwood, so close. And yet. 

Sarah Silverman's dress allegedly cost $60. I hate to be the one to say it, but it looks about as much as that. It's boring. Not red carpet appropes, and I'm just not into this. Fine for everyday, but not for the Emmys.

 Surely Big W could have afforded him a size up?

 January Jones - perfect hair, make-up and dress. She nailed it. 

 YES! YES! YES. Pantone colour of the year - emerald, done well on the red carpet. I love this dress. 

I am over fishtails. I am over nude frocks. But I love this so much. It looks like it would be fun to swoosh around in all night. Although I'm not sure if I'd be able to eat more than a bread roll. And that would make me a bit cross. 

The Emmys: Cat Deeley, Moreena Baccarin and Some Other People I Don't Know

Cat Deeley, usually flawless, but this? Are you auditioning for Star Trek? It's the only way I can justify this frock choice. 

Swoon. Morena Baccarin, the epitome of grace and beauty - there's no more beautiful sight than a blossoming pregnant belly. Well to me anywhere. This is pretty well near perfection. 

 I've got one tip for this lady. A slip.

And this one? Out with her brother and showing off her granny panties? Get a slip.

 I love this. But trim the hem. A common affliction these Emmys. 

Is she on the red carpet, or is she about to go exercise in her perforated evening gown? I know it's sport luxe, but I can't help but think of Tena Lady. 

The Emmys: Big Bird, Sophia Vergara, Zooey Deschanel, Persian Carpet Sale, Elisabeth Moss, Someone's Granny's Upholstered Armchair

In a sea of safe, this dress is a real standout. Yes it reminds me of Big Bird. But yellow never fails to make me smile, the cut is beautiful, it's frothy and feminine and I just have to love it. However while I love the yellow - it appears she's got a LEGO wig on (moreso in other images), and I'd love to ruffle up her hair a little. 

 We get it Sophia Vergara. You have an incredible body. Yep. Recognised. Acknowledged. Please, next awards ceremony, wear a different dress - this *yawn* is getting predictable. 

This is pretty, and lovely, and charming and a whole lot of other insipid, gushy words. And if Zooey was mother of the bride, I'd be happy. But she's not, so where does she get off wearing the dress of a 50 year old? Bring back the 50s cuts and flirty skirts. 

 Sometimes all you can do is lie on the ground, do a few rolls and wear a Persian carpet to an event. At least no one else is going to be wearing the same. 

 It's well-documented how much I love Elisabeth Moss. Supremely classic in black and white, I can't fault her. 

What part of dull grey, ill-fitting, assymetrical, lacey dress sounded appealing?

The Emmys: Amanda Peet, A Gangster, Rose Byrne, Laura Dern, And Two Other Women

I usually really love Amanda Peet. But this dress hurts my eyes. It's like a Katy Perry song in fabric; hot then it's cold; short then it's long; sheer then it's opaque. It's got multiple personality disorder and I can't love it. 

 What is this? A gang sign by the Little Mermaid?

Rose Byrne, how I adore thee. Ye canne nevere putte a foote wronge whene it comes to fashione. You are like a pale coral dream. 

And you played so nicely with Laura Dern who I think looks like a coral dream. However both your dresses were inflicted with too-long-hem-itis. Hopefully they recover in time for the after party.

 It's like she's one of those people who dresses up half groom, half bride. Except she's gone half-cocktail party, half-formal - because she didn't understand the dress code. Or maybe she only wanted to shave one leg. I can totally understand that and send my commiserations. 

I have no idea who this is, but besides her feet being attached to the wrong legs, I love the dress. Simple, elegant, great colour. Winning. 

The Emmys: Lena Dunham, Zosia Mamet, Not Amber Valetta, Kelly Osborne

It's that time of the year when I get to critique dresses. You know I love it. Now let's get into this thing. 

 Look. I really dig Lena Dunham. I love 'Girls'. I love her. I love everything she stands for. She's cool, intelligent and sassy. I dig that. And I really want to dig this dress. I really do. In fact I do love the dress - however if I was asked to trouble shoot I would say - raise the hem a little unless you're multi-tasking appearing at the Emmys and sweeping the floor; I'd wear a more graphic belt; I'd up the ante on the accessories. A big cuff. A fabulous clutch. A statement earring. I don't know, but it looks a little lacklustre, and I want lustre.

 Zosia Mamet is awesome. Ok. Let's get that out of the way. But I see her dress has the same hemline problem as Lena's. A little too long. But that's not the problem here. It looks like she got a car bra and put it on her dress. The dress is great, but the little boobie highlighter is less than great. It's taken this dress from winner to sinner. It looks like her boobies might be peeking through there so they can get a look at the paparazzi too. 

 Is it Claire Danes or is it January Jones? Claire? January? Claire? January? Ok it's Claire. I love the dress, and usually I go MEH at nudes, but this is so pretty. But the hair belongs on North Shore Sydney in the 80s. Do you know how many North Shore mummies are now looking for their bobs Claire? Clearly you've stolen them and you're wearing a bob to the Emmys because you can. 

I first thought this was Amber Valetta and it made me think of when I was 19 and met her at work function, and got completely covered in nervous rash - this red blotchy rash that rises from my chest to my hair line in blotches and makes me all hot. It's incredibly attractive, as you can imagine. However this is not Amber Valetta, it's someone else, and I've never met her, so I didn't even need to tell you that piece of my embarrassing history.

I feel like I need to talk to Kelly Osborne about the colour spectrum and about complementary opposites and the like - and how these are not complementary opposites, but in fact like you rolled Estelle Getty for her wig before you got to the red carpet. I am done with the purple. The dress however is really, really sensational. 

The Emmys: Sofia Vergara, Betty Draper, Allison Williams

 Does this woman ever look bad? Nope. I can't imagine it. This reminds me of when I was little and I'd be in a department store with my parents staring, mouth ajar - lovingly at all the Barbie dolls. Lady looks hot. Like a red hot mermaid. Props to her for channelling my childhood memories.

 I thought this was that Emo girl that dated Marilyn Manson. But nope. It's Betty Draper. Jan. Let's talk. You're a beautiful woman. But enough of the mourning get up. I understand that Don ditched you. But it's time to move on.

 Which emerald beauty is this? Why it's Allison Williams. Who? Yes. Me too. Peplum waist? Check! Colour of the season? Check! Art-deco detailing at the bust? Check! Yep. Thought so. Gorgeous with a capital G.

Lena Dunham, you clever broad. You look so effortlessly beautiful in this Prada lace frock. I likey. damn it. I love it. I would have added a chunky belt for some definition and some pizazz, but lady, I love this and your new 'do. I'd wear this and then some. LOVE!

The Emmys: Jane Levy, Jessica Pare, Julianna Margulies, Kristen Wiig

 Let's be honest here, I have no idea who half these actresses are and am madly googling to get myself up to speed. So here we have Jane Levy, radiant in royal blue. Pretty style frock, gorgeous colour, classic really. Old school glamour - big tick from me.

Speaking of old-school glamour, let's look at Jessica Pare - just like she's stepped out of Hollywood circa 1952 (yes?). Statue-esque, pared back, sizzling hot - I am woman hear me roar, and roar, and roar and roar some more. And I love that alabaster with the white. Sizzling hot, she's one to watch for shizzle.

 I love the richness of this dress, the jewel-like hues, I love the cut of its jib. Now I'm not usually one for a fake tan, but in this case, I'm an advocate to dissipate those tan lines. Even just a little? I love Julianna Margulies, but girlfriend, I know you like halter straps. It's written all over your decolletage.

Kristen Wiig - Picnic At Hanging Rock called, they want their costume back. You're a little underdressed for The Emmys. When, myself, deciding what to wear to something, I err on the side of over-dressed. Nevertheless, pretty dress. If you were going on a first date. But PS - I love you.

The Emmys: Angelina's Leg Is Back, Kat Dennings, Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jena Malone and Angelina Jolie are apparently such good friends that Jena borrowed Angelina's leg to wear to The Emmys. I do like this Grecian style dress though. But she should have asked Angelina to change her shoes. I am not cray-cray about that ankle strap.

Kat Dennings you make a grown woman weep. This sings to me. In an operatic, in tune kind of way that makes me think I've gone to heaven and back again, all on the one magic red carpet. I love the dress. The lips. And the cuff. And your hair. And everything. But I am left wondering what your boobs are thinking of themselves right now. BTW - they look fab.

Va-va-va-VOOM! Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Girl you have got it going on. Hottie batotties. I am not usually a massive fan of burgundy as it reminds me of the nasty girls at the other high school in town, but I've completely forgotten about them throwing that rotten apple at my head as soon as I saw you. I like this.You look spectacular.

The Emmys: Kerry Washington, Lucy Liu, Kelly Osbourne

So this, my friends, is how it is done. Take a full length sequinned gown that fits like a glove and demonstrates all of your assets (uh huh), a little swivel of the hips, add a pared back clutch, a killer cocktail ring, et VOILA! The only thing I'd change is the hair. Doesn't feel like it does the rest of the look justice. I'd like to see some finger curls. Are you feeling me?

 Did you know that Lucy Liu is set to star in the remake of Men In Black? Me neither! But this dress is testament. Actually, I am lying. She's going to be the mirror in Sleeping Beauty. She's just trying out her costume again. Ok! I am lying again. On the flip side, she does look very statue-esque. Did you know they're remaking the Oscars award and Lucy Liu is their mold? I am a compulsive LIAR.

Hubba Bubba. Oh I mean hubba hubba. It's grape to see Kelly Osbourne treading the red carpet. I love this fitted frock, she looks totally vine. Oh I mean totally fine.

The Emmys: When Life Hands You Lemons...

Julianne Moore is by far one of my favourite women of Hollywood. I mean, look at her. Intelligent, stylish, talented and ridiculously beautiful. And this sunshine-y frock? And that cut. Minimal accessories. A red lip. AYE CARUMBA PEOPLE. Let's bottle her.

Padma Lakshmi, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but boy oh boy, the red carpet is so glad you are here. You're heaven on a stick in this tangerine confection. A lot of startlets could learn a thing or 62 from you. Again - minimal accessories, simple hair. Understated sophistication. Let's tap that.

Again, I've no idea who you are until I google you (True Blood - FYI), but Lindsay Pulsipher pulls-ipher this off. Here's proof that anyone can wear marigold (well, almost anyone), and I'm just ker-azy about that soft braid. Plus the gold accessories. Me likey. A whole lot. It's got me baying at the moon.

Leslie Mann aka Lemon Meringue Pie. But in a really, really, REALLY SUPER good way. I love that luxe lemony-skirt coupled with the (what looks like) beaded lacy bodice. And that chunky bracelet and earrings. Aye Aye AYE! And your hair. Oh you are tipping me right over the edge. This is what I would want to wear on the red carpet.

The Emmys: Let's Do This Thing

Elisabeth Moss, I quite like this - loving the floral, the legs, and the new 'do. Fresh faced and not over done, the only thing I'm not mad keen about is the ruffle around your bust. And your waist. And everywhere. Reminds me of a bedspread. Other than that, neeeeext...

This is speaking to me - subliminally it's saying: 101 Dalmations - The Sequel, coming to a screen near you. But Glenn, you do look bloody gorgeous. You can sure give some of those younger foxes a run for their money. Classic and elegant, wins every time.

Dear Heidi, yes we know you have legs. And yes we know they go on for miles. And yes, we've seen them before. Now you're amping up your Angelina and sticking them out at every occasion. Stop with the legs. I love this frock. Except for the fact it's like an arrow to your vajayjay. I would like your legs to go on a vakay.

Swooning. Seriously swooning. Zooey - you are the queen of style in my book. You nail it every. Single. Time. I can keep looking at this, your ethereal beauty for days. High five!

Just found the full length. FTW!