If you've ever had a miscarriage, I believe, it's a strange and sometimes lonely road to navigate.
No one knows what to say. No one really knows what to do. Everyone seems to keep their distance in some sort of limbo. It's awkward for everyone. Trust me. I know. Even my husband seemed to feel differently about it to me.
When I had a miscarriage a few years ago, it was a weird, strange, sad, disappointing period.
One of my friends stated confidently that it was probably a good thing so I could 'go back to work'.
A relative told me that I should consider myself lucky that I was fertile. That I could fall pregnant. And in my mind I thought, great, I'm fertile, but I just lost a baby.
I was nine weeks pregnant and had known pretty well from day dot that I was pregnant.
I was excited. I was dreaming. I was really happy.
I also had no morning sickness (from which I'd suffered a great deal of when I was pregnant with the Doctor).
I remember the Saturday morning I woke up with cramps and spotting. I called the midwife. She told me to wait a while and then if it continued to head to the ER.
The ER was fantastic, however, a little vague. But nothing was concrete, everything looked to be fine. I was asked to come back for an ultrasound the next day.
We did. The three of us, Matt, the Doctor and I bundled into the darkened room, I was filled with hope to see my wee babe's little heart bumpity-bumping. There was no flicker. And the sonographer turned sadly to us. She was sad. I had tears rolling down my cheeks, and I remember Matt held my hand tighter while the Doctor played on oblivious to what was happening.
My gyno and I agreed not to have a D&C, for which I was grateful to begin with. But after days and days of waiting, and the constant reminder that I had lost my baby, I wanted it to be over. I wanted to get on with the grieving.
I had a quiet moment in the bathroom and felt a whoosh. I held that wee babe, probably no bigger than a golf ball and about the same shape, in my very own hand.
I've written and re-written this post so many times, months ago, weeks ago.
Maybe you've had a miscarriage, or someone you know. Everyone deals with it in their own quiet way and no one really wants to talk about it.
I wish the awkwardness was not there though, it would do away with some dark days.
My babe would have been born in September. But it was not to be. I still sometimes think of that baby. Boy or girl. And it always makes me think of blossoms. Spring blossoms. Spring blossoms and petals scattered on the breeze.
Have you ever had a miscarriage? Or do you know someone who has?
Read about other Stigmas here. There's another one I just can't find it.. Anyone remember what it was about?