Friday, 10 August 2012

I Want To Tell You Good Things

I want to share good things with you. About how I went to Melbourne this week with Sussan. For the record it was ace, more to come.

I want to tell you about all the good things that are happening. I want to tell you about all the good that will come. About what could be. About my dreams, my ideas, my thoughts.

But instead right now I am bogged down in negativity. I feel quashed. Awash in my own sea of misery and self pity.  A sadness that seems never-ending right now.

Today I was called an idiot. Someone else told me they needed to wear high powered ear muffs because they sit next to me. And in general I just got patronised.

How do you get back up? When the negativity, the patronising, the just plain downright rude just keep pushing you down. How do you ever get back up?

When you're trying to make things good and right in your world. When you're struggling in your own little world, with whatever it is you're battling. For me it's this new arrangement of juggling our children with work. And feeling like I am missing out on their growing up. It is the guilt. It is the sadness.

Then couple that with the other. I am sinking.

This feels like the only place I can talk about this. Because maybe someone else knows this. Or is going to ride this wave. Where you feel unvalued and miserable and you want to see the light, but nope, right now, it's just a trickle of candle bleating down a dark tunnel.

Maybe tomorrow will be better because tomorrow I am with my smalls. But right now I am low.

Instead of a random picture by me, I give you Frenchman Romain Duris. He is the joy in a day, surely?


Little Pinwheel said...

Lexi, firstly, you are one awesome, rocking mother! the balance is hard, and I feel you in my own stubble of balancing. The fees for the childcare centre are rising, AGAIN... seriously they rise all the time. That makes this single mum think about having to pull out her little guy. But that in the last year of his fun times leading into big school is hard to do. I know they benefit from it, and he has amazing friends. So how do you balance the bank, and the little guy that loves his days with his friends?

Now you just got my rant! That is my downer. However what gets me through, is today, our fun friday, and then it is my weekend with the little people. That too lifts me up.

It is the little people that will keep holding you together, and hopefully the other mothers or friends that too feel the same about their balancing act.

you rock chick, and enjoy this uplifting 2 days with your smalls. I hope it kicks you so far in the air to float through your new week ahead.... xx

Little Pinwheel said...

(that is meant to be "struggle" of balancing!! ha ha... how did that do predictive text?!!) xx

Anonymous said...

Leaving you a ((hug)) Lexi. No advice for you you, save for Dory wisdom 'just keep swimming'

Chin up chook.

Mrs Smith said...

I have been exactly where you are at - but not nearly so fabulous with it - and get back there regularly.

I think that sometimes we sacrifice too much to facilitate the lives of everyone else. If there is any way that you could have more time at home with your smalls - it will make you feel better.newt hunk depression fills the gap between what we want and all the obstacles in our life that conspire against us having it. I knew in very guts, just like you do that I was giving up too much of myself and how I wanted to mother when my kids were smaller. I went part-time then full-time stay at home because that's what I really wanted. We lived on the bones of our arses for years and I got a lot better.

Following my gut was THE BEST thing I ever did.

You have worked pretty hard and sacrificed a lot to make the dreams of your family a reality. Maybe it's their turn to do the same for you?

And as for depression, going to a counsellor worked wonders for me. A little medication has gone a long way in the past too.

Exercise is of course, totally excellent, but the last thing you want to do.

As for the haters, care not a jot. They wouldn't give you crap unless they were jealous. I just can't believe people think they can speak like that. Fuck'em.

I think you have been feeling low for a long time, despite your genorosity of spirit and gift for being funny, sunny and upbeat?

The black dog sucks.

If I could offer some advice, as a seasoned campaigner of depression and of the mummy juggle, Be totally honest with yourself and your loved ones about what you want and feel, whether you feel like you can have it or not. Be honest, not just nice. Nice doesn't get you better.

May the seratonin rise up to meet you and may your loved ones take great care of you.

Here's to the end of this grey winter.

Mrs Smith said...

Newt hunk? Not sure where autocorrect was heading with that - I think I meant to type 'I think that'. Newt hunk - could be the name of a US soapie star?

Anonymous said...

Hi Lexi,

Sometimes you need to stop juggling (I hate that word!) I know it's a cliche, but your kids are only small for such a few short years - you'll never look back and say "I wish I worked more". If your family budget can handle it, stepping off the treadmill and spending more time with your kids will be so good for them and you.
Another thing to maybe look at is you vitamin intake. Last year I was feeling depressed, lethargic, unmotivated and found out I was vitamin D deficient. My doctor also put me on a B complex and fish oil and I feel so much better.

Hang in there and Don't let the turkeys get you down.

Candice said...

That face might just thaw some of the flat permafrost.


Oh lady - I'm hearing you loud and clear. It's ok to feel flat, just surrender to it and go easy on yourself. You're doing a mighty job.

I've been experiencing a mother load of guilt lately. The only thing that seems to help is to do some crazy dancing in the kitchen with the rug rats to this song and try and live it's words - hang loose!

Oh, and tell those rude imbeciles to 'get f*cked'. They have no idea what they're talking about. Don't give them another moments thought...they don't deserve it.

Sleep well. Tomorrow is a new day xx

Rachel K said...

I don't comment much on blogs but just had to today. I love your blog, I read all your posts. I understand how you're feeling and hope you feel happier soon. The person who called you an idiot and the other knob who said they need to wear ear muffs sound like horrible negative nellies who arent worthy of your company. What's their problem? If this happens again please throw an insult back at them. Do they know you're the world famous potty mouth mama who has zillions of fans?

von said...

reading blogs (including your blog) re-energises me. :) looking at nice pictures.

and watching movies and musicals.

and patting my cats.


Lis said...

Wow people can be so mean. Who sends negativity like that out into the world without considering the impact of their words.
You are wonderful. Their thoughts reflect badly only on them.
Hugs Lexi. You know what's right. Sometimes we need to vent, and sometimes we need to make change.
No answers, just be kind to yourself x

Lady Moss said...

What about a home day with your babies all snuggled on the lounge together watching Edward Scissorhands and eating Cadburys x

Julie Harris said...

You make me feel less alone. I am really struggling at the moment. Husband out of work. Can't find job. My NEED to be with my babies. We look like we are going to have to sell our home, move out of our community. We have been here eight years and I am gutted.

Rachael @Mogantosh said...

Hi Lex, sorry to hear you had to deal with a a hatful of arseholes yesterday. I love Mrs Smiths advice and agree that you seem to have been having some low times lately.

Hang in there- summer is coming, and it's easier to exercise and do things that make you feel happier and stronger.

I, like you, am sensitive to a negative slur. I can nugget over it for days- don't let it get to you.

Could it be that part of the price you must pay for having an enthusiastic, hilarious, curious and outrageous personality is the occasional hater trying to shut you down?

It's their problem Lex.

Get out in the sunshine this weekend and hope the next days improve.

Lots of love


Michelle said...

Oh Lexi, sorry to hear that things aren't great. Being blue is the pits.

Please come down for a holiday and stay. We can eat cake and drink hot gin punch.


[Good Mum Hunting] said...

How insanely rude! You are NOT an idiot babe!!

People are just rude and mean these days. What has happened to our society? Almost every day I am shocked in some way.

You can't control people but you can control how you respond to it. Take the high road, be the better person, which you already are.

Hope the smalls cheer you up this weekend hun xx

Cath @ chunkychooky said...

Pfft only an idiot would call you one and as for the earmuff comments- jealous that you sound so confident on phone.

Speaking of this I was watching the Etsy stuff where you spoke at the forum yesterday and thinking how fabulous you were/ are and was hoping you were feeling better than you have been.

Sometimes when were are feeling low we can focus on the negatives, sometimes its helpful to list everything you have that you love, this sounds terribly Oprah but sometimes it can help to see that although this time is hard there is a lot of love and light around and this blackness will pass.

Plus I think cake is in order. with cream.

dear olive said...

Oh Lexi, what a sad post. I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It's so hard - way too common, and there are no easy answers. But what is for sure is that your kids know they are immensely, ridiculously loved by you and Matt. As for the person who called you an idiot, forget them. I think you'd be super fun to sit next to. Hang in there. Kellie xx

Little Paper Trees said...

you've got so much on your shoulders, wish I had some instant pick me advice to pass along but you just need to ride the wave and know you are doing the best you can. so many of us feel the exact same way so you're not alone. x

toni said...

Dear Sweet Lex,
Can your family budget allow you to be a stay at home mum at least for a couple of years?
What about if you put ads or sponsors on your blog and made pocket money that way?
It sounds like you are spent and need to get your mummy mojo back. You miss your children terribly.
I am a stay at home mum and it can be hard being on a constant budget but we are rich in so many other ways.
I totally understand when both parents have to work and I am not passing any judgement. But there must be a path for you and your dear family that brings that smile back. You can't get in the groove of working 5 shitty days to have two good ones on the weekend. That is not a life.
As for those rude jellyfishes well they are shitheads. I'd pay money to sit next to you.

katiecrackernuts said...

You could come to ABCD at the Three Weeds on Thursday night. No one will be wearing earmuffs. At least, I don't think anyone will be. I won't be.

katiecrackernuts said...

Oh, and go with the idiot tag. Wear it with pride. And, um, maybe buy your neighbour earmuffs. And a dummy, so next time they say something they actually have to spit it. Yeah, girl!

Mrs Sabbatical said...

Some people are just utter knob ends. Loud and fun will never go out of style.
Everyone else here knows you are awesome, besides I don't dress up as a camp pirate for just anyone xx

Opportunity Knocks said...

I'm just going to come right out and say that I read your posts and wish we could be friends. Aside from the fact that I am a nz' er and we are supposed enemy's... You are fricken hilarious, and invariably lighten my mood with your sense of humor. I have two wee uns of my own and work full time. My smallest is coming up to a year old and I've worked full time since she was four months. So hard, but I know that the ladies that look after her and her friends at daycare are amaaaahzing! It's not a perfec solution, but her and my son are wonderful children, so I count my blessings every day. Plus nzs economy is such that one income is not enough these days, so it is nearly a necessity to work.
Anyway, this wasn't meant to be my own rant, I just wanted to say, you are not alone, and some days I look out the window and think I could be somewhere with my children, but when I am with them, each second is precious ( when I'm not racing around trying to jam washing/dinner/cleaning into the mix.
You are much loved and respected in this online world, and I guarantee you had some workmates who are in a pretty rotten place themselves to talk like that.
You are loved, and your family are wonderful.
From nz.
Ps, it must seem very voyeurish when randoms such as I come out of the woodwork to comment, I'm sorry I don't more often.

Monique said...

Hope today was ace with your two little people (and one guy). Whatever you did I hope it energized you a little and lifted your spirits. The blues are tough and mean people are jealous and deficient in their own lives. Your little peeps think you are tops whether you are there with them 5 days or 2. Remember. This too shall pass.

Monique said...

Hope today was ace with your two little people (and one guy). Whatever you did I hope it energized you a little and lifted your spirits. The blues are tough and mean people are jealous and deficient in their own lives. Your little peeps think you are tops whether you are there with them 5 days or 2. Remember. This too shall pass.

Rachael @Mogantosh said...

"Playing small doesn't serve the world... there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you... as we let our own light shine we unconciously give other people permission to do the same."

Marianne Williamson


m.e (Cathie) said...

oh Miss PMM, no good to hear you are feeling like this.
unfortunately when we are like this we are at our most vulnerable and every little bit of negativity is amplified.
get that idiot some ear muffs next time you see them.
don't let them win.
you rock as far as we are all concerned. I keep telling you, you are the coolest & I wanna be just like you!
hugs lovely mamma ♥

Anonymous said...

Well your French man certainly cheered me up! When I'm feeling a little low I'll go to the interweb to sneak a peak at Michael Fassbender. Then I'll feel a touch guilty because it's disrespectful to Dadabulous. Then it occurs to me that Dadabulous is a fun sized version of Fassy which cheers me up.
On a more serious note - a mother cant win with work/life balance. Whatever you decide to do will have a downside. I'm a stay at home Mum and frankly my career has been shot to pieces. Focus on the goodstuff. There's plenty around.

zigsma said...

Very sorry to read you're going through a rough patch. I can empathise. I try and remember to tell myself that things change. And listening to excellent music really helps me. Really helps. Hang in there. x