Thursday, 10 September 2009

Mutton Vs Lamb


You know, last night I did one of those last minute mercy dashes to the supermarket. Well, really, I went to do the fruit and veg (because all we had were some oily granny smiths and an ignored navel orange) and then thought that I best go to the supermarket for a few bits and pieces. My trolley was full of fresh goodies, I headed to the supermarket, got my things, and then headed to the check out. Just to make it clear, I went to the express check out.

I stood there while the woman in front of me and the woman behind me chatted. They knew each other. They were tight. The woman in front of me had a trolley full of fruit and veg too, and had done the same as me. Grabbed a few supermarche items and gone express.

The woman behind me had a basket full to the brim.

I know you're probably right now twiddling your thumbs thinking dear PMM please get to the crux of it. Stop rabbitting on.

So the woman in front, she went and got served - bye bye friend.
I stood at the front of the queue, with trolley in firm grip ready to pounce, when the woman behind me piped up, "You do realise this is the express aisle, don't you." I thought I'd misheard her and said, "pardon" - then realised what she said and said, "Yes I do, and I have seven items, thank you."

There we parted ways.

But man oh man, I had steam steadily pouring out my ears. I was fuming. Why is it that people think it's their right to try and bring you down? I had seven items. The aisle was for 12 items or less. You do the math.

It was one of those cases I wished I had a faster brain. Afterwards in the car I was hoping to drive past her, cool as cucumber I could roll down the window and give her the community service, "You do realise you look like mutton dressed as lamb, don't you?" Then squeal off in a blaze of burnt rubber*.

I wish my brain worked faster. Have you ever wished your brain worked faster (as opposed to wishing Brian worked faster?)?

* I am a safe driver.
totally irrelevant image via

20 comments:

CurlyPops said...

I wish I had of been a fly on the wall!
I had a similar experience a few weeks ago. I was unloading my car, when a lady yelled out "I hope you have a disabled permit to park there". I turned around with a nasal cannula up my nose and oxygen tubing attached and said "actually yes I do". How I wish that I could have thought of a smart assed comment!

Bek said...

I know that feeling well. Not only do I wish I had a faster brain/brian but I wish I wasn't so damn non-confrontational!

What an irritating encounter.

Thereisabuttonmissing said...

Certainly one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time. Evil b***h. Zero tolerance for rude ladies.

Jessi said...

oh doesn't it make it all the more worse when they are a piece of mutton?

i would have been fuming too!

Cath from chunkychooky said...

you know what else is weird in the shopping queue is the people that get upset if your groceries touch theirs - they rush to put that little divider up on the conveyor belt thingy like some how your groceries are infected? toxic? You know??? It just makes me put mine really close to theirs so i can watch them squirm.... mwah har haaaaarrrr


hey the word verification was; later

pepper said...

oh yes, i always think of witty retorts and perfect comebacks and also just-the-right-sweet-thing-to-say.. about 5 minutes afterwards. not much help then is it!
although in those situations the darn nice-girl in me usually takes over and i be non-confrontational, even if I do think of something to say. Darn nice-girl. See? i even said 'darn'!

Mrs Charlie said...

I was fuming for you, reading this. I would have said, 'You can count, can't you? I have seven items' and then slapped her (not really, but that sure would feel good)!

peppermintpatcher said...

I wonder why she even has time to be worried about everyone else's business. I'm much too busy to be counting how many items other people have in their trolley!

tea with lucy said...

I just wish I could let things like this wash off and not fume about it for the next gazillion years!

Loz and Dinny said...

I'm brilliant at the come back - but it is a tad unfortunate that it is at least an hour later by which time I've come up with some real quick, witty and highly intelligent retorts ... which I then work into the story when I'm replaying it to Dunc - 'Did you say that?' 'Er, no - but I should have!'

Cath W said...

I too wish that my brain worked quicker. And my Brian (hubby). Definitely my Brian. And Brian fumes in supermarkets at the signs '12 Items or Less' and starts ranting "It's 12 items or FEWER!"
*sigh*

Bec @ honi design said...

hahahaha that would have been a fantastic comeback!!!
Someone said that to me once (I also had less than the limit) and so I feigned distress, looked around madly and breathed deeply and said “oh god. Is it?. Oh Wow *heavy breathing* I hadn’t realised I was waiting in the express lane”. Then promptly turned around and ignored them

Cathy (tinniegirl) said...

Alternatively if I could freeze time while I thought of a witty comment to metaphorically wrestle them to the ground with.

You can always keep "no you are" up your sleeve. I find it can be applied to most situations, even those where it makes no sense if it's said with enough 'tude'.

Aussie-waffler said...

Oh sweet PMM, you do make me giggle, even in your serious state of agitation. And if you see him, tell Brian to get a wriggle on would you.

Carrie G said...

Reminds me of the day I was taking my 2 month old in the stroller for a walk when some random crotchety old lady commented on how I should cover up those baby legs and get a hat on him, all under her breath, yet purposefully loud enough for me to hear.

I thought about what I should have said the whole way home and came up with "you should cover up your face so we don't have to hear it"

Taccolina said...

Ah yes, supermarkets, those hives of passive-aggressive compulsive behaviour. (On everyone else's part, of course).

Didja know (word nerd alert) that there's a phrase for that 'should've said' feeling? It's 'Esprit d'escalier' -- the thought of the staircase, as in, the witty retort you think of just as the butler is showing you down the stairs from the reception hall... to the door.

Sparkly Tiara said...

Too funny! I must confess I have gone to express checkout with 11 items, and whilst waiting have come up with several retorts should anyone DARE to question my right to be in said queue.

They never have.

Such a bloody waste...

JustJess said...

You are made of good stuff Lexi - I often panic and count what's in my basket. Can you get credits if you go through today with only eight, can you then go through next time with 16??? We had a stringy piece of mutton say: "that kid needs a slap" one day during an autistic meltdown of my son. After ruminating, my Mum walked over to her and said: "He'll grow up and learn what's appropriate; you'll be a bitch forever." VERY school-yard, but really, gotta love that retort..... (word verification is firemama!!!!)

Stacey said...

I hate that when one thinks of the comeback later!
Last week I was playing tennis and hit a ball that narrowly missed the woman on the net. Out of courtesy, I raised my racquet to say sorry and she said "yeah, sure you are."
I walked up to the net and replied "Honey, if I was aiming for you I wouldn't have missed."
I felt good.

Nikkers said...

I find it hard to work out at times what is more annoying to me, the inane comments people make or the fact I don't have a sassy retort on the spot!
But you can be content in the knowledge that while one can always forgive someone being numerically challenged, mutton as lamb is always unforgiveable!