Tip Number 1: If served yoghurt, why bother eating it? Healthy digestion is over-rated. Smear it all over your alabaster skin and let it soak in. It's best if you also go crazy so no one can get near you with a face washer to wipe it off. Just so it gets sticky. It works better that way.
Tip Number 2: If you're served pear, just keep sticking your finger into the soft flesh. This is an age-old cuticle treatment. Again, definitely don't eat it, you wouldn't want to waste that fruit on your digestion. Would you?
Tip Number 3: Every single morning, without fail, go into your Mama's bedroom find her very much loved organic lip balm, stick your finger in it and smear it all over your body. Do this every morning and you will definitely shine (who cares if it's from all the olive oil you can perhaps batter some fish on your skin later - remember the recession folks!).
Tip Number 4: You are what you eat. So if you're at the beach or in the sand pit, do eat a little sand. It's nutritionally sound and besides that it's gritty on the tooth - and any chance you can to have a crack at whitening your own teeth, take it. Sea salt and pearly whites - perfect.
Tip Number 5: Don't ever brush your hair. Enjoy the big-hair-day look. Then everyone can tell your Mama that she should be brushing your hair more often. But if she comes within 5ft of you with a hairbrush, go berko, flat cat, scratch at her, and then run away. Works a treat. Who needs a hair stylist and who can afford them? Mother Nature is best.
And there ends today's beauty tips a la Tiny. Feel free to email any questions to Tiny. She'll do her best to bang out an answer on the keyboard).