Oscars 2013:: Kelly Rowland, Kristen Chenoweth, Renee Zellweger, Sandra Bullock, Fan BingBing

 The leg is back. Let's make it public. I am so freaking sick of the leg. Leg be gone! And Kelly Rowland. Lady. Let's talk. It's about your hair. You look like the 80s chewed you up and spat you out. Fire your hair stylist. And moisturise your leg for goodness sake. If you've got to flaunt it, moisturise it.

 I think Kristen Chenoweth slept funny last night because her head is on this jaunty angle and her smile says: "Kelly Rowland's hair dresser got to me, and tried to inflict me with the same head injury. Luckily I do not have a fringe." And smile for the camera. 

Did you know Renee Zellweger has been petitioning for the Oscars statue to be re-cast using a female figure? She was so busy with the placards she forgot to do her hair and make-up. 

Sandy, you look classic, sophisticated, beautiful. But this gown just doesn't do it for me. I might even say you dragged it out of Miss Havisham's wardrobe. 

Fan BingBing - whoever you are, I love your origami-esque folds of the bodice of your dress, and your alabaster skin against your raven hair. Sigh. This Schiaparelli pink is very pretty. I concede, it is duchesse satin, but it's working for you, this gown almost transcends time and I'd expect Grace Kelly to walk up behind you. I know. Even I'm shocked at myself. 

Oscars 2013:: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, Jennifer Hudson, Nicole Kidman

Yes I love this, I love that she wore red. And YES! I would love it if she'd do something different to her hair. Please Jennifer. Send me a sign that you've read this. 

Love these two - they seem like such a happy, humble and normal couple. But something about Jen's dress reminds me of Mr Snuffleufagus. I don't know why. Don't throw tomatoes at me. It's like looking at one of those ink splats, I can't control what I'm seeing. Regardless, she is so, so beautiful.

Aye carumba - now this is how you work a leg split. A message to all those trying to copy Angelina - try the other leg! It's refreshing to see a different leg. Mix things up. Not to mention this dress. Love the sequin detail, and midnight blue gets me. Every. Single. Time. Jennifer Hudson, you complete me.

Keith chose this dress for Nic to wear. Good choice, she looks so lithe and lovely. Though it's not my choice. I imagine Dorothy from the Golden Girls would wear this, with a little chiffon bolero.

Oscars 2013:: My Favourites:: Alicia Vikander, Naomi Watts, Samantha Barks

No question - this is my very favourite frock of the night. Alicia Vikander looks effortlessly sophisticated in this lace-beaded frock. THIS is what I'd wear to the Oscars. 

 'Our Naomi' looks perfectly futuristic and stylish in this Armani Prive sequinned sheath - really, really love this. 

Samantha Barks (does she?) - maybe better known as Eponine in Les Miserables takes the cake in this understated black Valentino number. Usually I'm not a fan of black on the red carpet, there are so many other options, but this just works. 

Oscars 2013:: Charlize Theron, Helen Hunt, Jackie Weaver, Halle Berry, Anne Hathaway, Salma Hayek and Sally Field

I'm torn because Charlize Theron's Dior Couture frock doesn't look dissimilar to Anne Hathaway's full body cast from the Golden Globes. I'm not one for stiff styling, as statue-esque as she is, I just don't love it.

The headlines scream:: CELEBRITY WEARS FROCK FOR THE SECOND TIME. I know, pat on the back Helen Hunt for dragging out one of your old H&M frocks for a second airing. But should we even be having this conversation? Even the Queen of England wears her frocks a few times. I mean - so do I!!! You're shocked - imagine how I feel. (PS Helen, I'd love to introduce you to a steamer next time we meet). 

 Jackie, I had high, high hopes for you. I really dig you, you seem like an ace broad. But when part of your dress appears to be cannibalising the bodice, I'm just not sure.

Beam her up Scotty. Halle Berry looks like she's ready to be thrust into the universe - or like some art deco tiling. I can't figure out which, but I guess it's kind of working for her.

 Anne Hathaway was someone I was waiting patiently for - I had high, high hopes for her. There's a reason I've buried her down here. While the Prada silk duchess frock is lovely and all:
a) unless she's leaving the Oscars early to be bridesmaid at her friends wedding 
or 
b) her nipples are being used as stage lighting;
I don't love it. It's modern day Audrey, but it's not singing to me. 

 Va-va-va VOOM! Salma Hayek - you are all that. I love this midnight blue on you. 

Sally, Sally, Sally. Thank goodness for you, Sally. I can't fault this beautiful gown - love the colour, the fabric, the cut, everything. Old school glamour that is as current as the day is fresh. I'd wear this in a flash. 

Oscars 2013:: The Tuxedos

Let's get the men over and done with - because, it's totes my least favourite part of the show. I mean it's a black suit. Blah blah blah. Here are three of the best. Fast forward the rest. 

Oh Jason Schwartzman. If only you were two feet taller. You look so dashing, even the moustache is working for you. I know right! And the side-part, phwoar. You look sharp.

Edit:: He's 1.68m.

Eddie Redmayne shows them how it's done.Except for the velvet slippers. No. No. No. Too casual. Too contrived. Should have gone for patent leather with shoelaces. 

Edit:: He's 1.8m.

Oh my lucky stars - now Eddie - take note of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's shoes. And to see him singing AND dancing today. Sigh. I'm just going to have to google how tall you to see if you can be my celebrity crush. 

Edit:: He's 1.78m, for the record.

Oscars 2013:: Jennifer Lawrence, Zoe Sultana, Reese Witherspoon, Kelly Rowland

Jennifer Lawrence. I noticed you were missing from the top of the toilet this morning. Hope you come back soon.

Zoe Saldana is clearly not wearing Chanel, because if she was - well girlfriend would have looked in the mirror before leaving home and taken off one thing. The fake flowers, the belt, the bow, or the ombre around the hem. Or the bow on her skirt. Actually, girlfriend could have taken off a few things. Like I said. Not Chanel.

Clearly Reese missed out on wearing a uniform in her school days - why else would she have chosen this hue of blue? I do like her hair though.

Unless you're in neutrals, or sporting 'the leg' - then you're not hot property on the red carpet. And Kelly, while I do love your arms, I do not love your hair. 

Oscars 2013:: I'm Neutral About Neutrals. Amanda Seyfried, Amy Adams, Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer

 Have you seen Les Miserables? I loved it, and Amanda Seyfried has a sublime singing voice. Mama Mia? Meh. Les Miserables. WOW! Unfortunately this Alexander McQueen is in the meh party for me. I am so bored with neutrals. So bored. And the cut? Looks like something that would be worn at Tamworth's Country Music Festival awards night. I can say that, I grew up in Tamworth.

 I love this - it reminds me of a baby swan chick. And that soft, soft grey - so romantic, so glamorous. Amy Adams did good. Although the critics are out saying she looks like Emma Watson on the red carpet a couple of years ago, I think I prefer this softer version. 

 Jessica Chastain is apparently nuts for neutrals. Because that is all I ever, ever see her in. And quite frankly Jessica, I am SO FREAKING SICK OF YOU IN NEUTRALS. Wear some colour. Pretend you're Jessica Rabbit. I don't know. Whatever. Just quit with the neutrals. You could look so much better in full-colour. Although, you do look quite ravishing today.

Oh Octavia. Oh Octavia. I really, really love this pale sherbet-fizz on you. And I love the cut of your jib. And your frock. And the understated accessorising. This is neutral done well. And for the win. 

Oscars 2013: Let's Get This Party Started:: Fire The Stylist

I'm at home sick today with some rank flu/cold thing. I've already worked my way through half a box of tissues, sweating my socks off, and feeling dizzy. And therefore, I'm in a heinous mood. So I thought we should get this out of my system with a few from my 'fire the stylist' files. 

Brandi Glanville - or maybe we should say Glandville, given that's what you're trying to draw our attention to. You would benefit from going a size up in this frock, and maybe asking your mum over with a thread and needle. Looks like you had a nasty accident with an attempted split - can only hope a shot from after Oscars is available, because I am pretty sure it's going to show nips. On the flipside, I do love your hair and make-up. Maybe I'll just focus on that and not your mammary glands.  

Nancy O'Dell - it's a good fit, but I'm not mad for it, to be completely frank. I think I heard Wheel of Fortune call. They want their Delvene Delaney hand back. I think that's your calling.

Olivia Munn - I think we're playing double jeopardy here with your assets - your frock looks like it's running the risk of slipping down as the night passes. Luckily you wore your bed sheet as your skirt. You can always wrap it around you for awkward occasions.

This will keep a lot of 5 year old girls happy. Sponsored by Mattel.